It has been a good long while since I have written anything for this blog. Between school, field education, work, graduation, dating, and dealing with grief, this has been a tremendously complex season in my life.
The most difficult moment of this season occurred on March 3, 2017, when my partner, Sham, died. These past few months have been extremely painful and filled with loneliness, beauty, despair, suffering, hope, rare kindness, and much more than I have even been able to process yet.
However, in the midst of my grief, I have tried to write. At first, it was excruciatingly painful to write. But thanks to finals, I had to do a lot of writing and fortunately, I had professors who provided me some space to integrate my grief into my writing.
As I move beyond finals, I have found myself writing as a form of healing. Below you will find one of my pieces about my grieving process.
It comes in waves.
From day one, they told me about the waves
They said that I just had to ride the waves
They said the grief would come in waves
And they were right
It does indeed come in waves.
At first it was like a tsunami that came to destroy all that I knew and loved
Roaring and crashing through my being, I wept and I wept
Boxes of tissue later I wondered if any more tears could come
But come they did
Yet, I still tried to pretend like everything was normal
You see, it was too much
Too much to survey the destruction in my soul after that fatal phone call
I couldn’t do it
Time stood still.
What would I do?
How would I do?
How could I do?
What was the point?
The days dragged along
They still came
The nights were long and lonely
My thoughts raced with anxiety and fear
Was it real?
Were you real?
Were we real?
The waves crashed and roared
Therapy, pastoral counseling, journaling, long phone calls, wine with friends, and weeping alone
This became life
And as for the waves, they began to become familiar
The great sadness was becoming almost normal
But the grief was exhausting
And then there came a day when the water was calm
The waves seemed to stop
And then when I least expected it, another great wave crashed over me
Weeping came again
It was as if you left me all over again
My heart was broken anew
And now I am remembering
Remembering the pain
Remembering your face
Remembering the touch of your hand on my face
Seeing you lying in the casket lifeless
Your face cold
Your hands no longer warm in mine
What could I do?
How could I do?
You’re gone, you’re gone, you’re gone
He is gone, he is gone, he is gone.
But now I know
Now I know that the water will calm down again
And now I know that there will be more waves
But it’s okay that there are waves
Because nothing can ever take away our story together
Nothing and no one can ever take away our love
It remains in my heart
You remain in my heart
And until the next wave comes, I will remain grateful for you and for our love.